Team Success Jokes
Added 9/26/2007
Gripe Sheet - Courtesy of Glenn Eades
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs:
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with
a "P") and the solutions recorded (marked with an "S") by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
<> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Added 9/19/2007
Cold Winter - Courtesy of Glenn Eades
IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.
SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.
NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.
BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"
"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.
SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER T O BE PREPARED.
A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"
"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER."
THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.
TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"
"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.
THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY..."
Added 9/13/2007
Bet cha can't read this and stay in a bad mood ! - Courtesy of Glenn Eades
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.! What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver ?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it - At least one of these made you smile
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.! What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver ?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it - At least one of these made you smile
Added 9/12/2007
The Magician and The Parrot - Courtesy of Glenn Eades
There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining
the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job
and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was
sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate
the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day
the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician
in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the
parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and
immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot
would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his
sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each
time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle
to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of
the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship
hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician
and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage,
climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician
and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the
parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started
to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had
happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then
noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all
this time.
"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done
with the ship ?"
the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job
and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was
sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate
the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day
the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician
in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the
parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and
immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot
would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his
sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each
time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle
to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of
the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship
hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician
and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage,
climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician
and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the
parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started
to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had
happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then
noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all
this time.
"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done
with the ship ?"